For the Record

I've often been told I carry a "too good" attitude. This kinda bothers me when people tell me this.
I don't open up to people and I'll be the first to tell you; I seem to be a surface level person on the outside, but I care more about you after our first time meeting than you think.
I've been the one to jump into things and I've only been hurt. Which is what life is all about and I get that. I'm just protecting myself from that. I talk about being a lonely person a lot and that's because I unintentionally, but forcefully do it to myself.
I have a problem finishing things, I don't like conflict and I'm afraid. So I void all possibilities of such by keeping things simple.
So, no- I'm not too good. I'm actually the complete opposite; I'm not good enough. I put myself out there and I go way out of my way to care for people that only leave me empty and in pain. I act outgoing and it's not an act, but I simply can't let anyone deeper. My emotions can't handle it. Just thinking about it scares me to death and is painfully exhausting.
So when I say I'm never getting married, I mean it. Maybe I'm stubborn, but I'd rather not. I will always be here to listen and care for anyone that needs it and I will invest in you as much as you let me. I appreciate the love people do give me and it means the world to me when people tell me things like, "you're going to be a great wife someday" or simply thank me for driving them places. I'm not too good to accept these things. 
Do you see my problem? I'm just a mess. And I'm too afraid to fix it. I just need it to stop.

Changing for the sake of impression,

 isn't worth the misinterpretation of your passion and character. 

Stay who you are.

On second thought. Or first thought;
Why the heck do we doubt God? Like even for a second?
Loneliness, doubt, questioning, unsureness- overcomes a person every single day. 
And every single day he pulls through. 
In the smallest ways that are really the largest. 
King Jesus. King, Jesus.

People like you are on a mission. How many friends can you get? How many people can you get to accept you? The only acceptance you need is Christ's. 

How many of these people actually mean something to you?

How many of these people are you actually interested in pouring into?

The epicenter of loneliness, is being surrounded by hundreds of people and not being acknowledged by a single soul. So, imagine this for me:
What if we were nicer people? What if we smiled more and worried less? Trust me when I say I know that a simple smile and nod "hello" from another human, can save your life. Especially in a place where it's expected most. 
If you can't relate to 'the church,' I understand because I rarely can either and it's very much been my upbringing. The church is the most judgmental and at times, unwelcoming place there is. When I've needed it most, not a single soul at church sees me. Given, I don't reach out but maybe it's because I feel unsafe doing so. So isn't that the church's job to make every person feel open or vulnerable to do so?
Who knows. Maybe this doesn't make sense at all. But what I do know, is that the church is weighed down by the corruption of this world. I am not blaming the church or disempowering my confidence and trust in it. 
But I am questioning the morals in which the members of the church claim to exercise. Are you really pouring into your church the way you advertise yourself to be? Or are you a greeter at the door for looks, self approval and other's approval?